It’s been a week since I started this challenge of vulnerability. My therapist says that I have vulnerability issues. I laughed when she said that. I laughed because it was one of those moments when your life is completely shaken by one simple observation. One simple observation that explains a thousand moments of stress and regret. I have a hard time being vulnerable. But then again, who doesn’t?
We are living in front of screens and not people. We are texting and not talking. We are listening to podcasts and not to people. And everything we consume appears perfect. Perfectly dressed, perfectly posed, perfectly lit, perfectly photo-shopped and perfectly captioned with the perfect #Hashtag. And I’m guilty. I’ve tried so hard to keep up. To fit in online. To get more likes or comments.
The night my therapist told me I have vulnerability issues I went on a walk. I decided to listen to a podcast during my walk and absolutely by chance clicked on a podcast conversation between Oprah and Brene Brown. Just so happens Brene Brown was talking to Oprah about vulnerability. It was a God moment for me. How could the conversation with my therapist and my random choice of podcast be a coincidence? I had something to learn and I could have walked for hours listening to the knowledge of this woman who also struggles with vulnerability. And here’s what I learned. Without vulnerability we have no authenticity, no creativity and make it explicitly difficult to ever really truly feel joy.
What does vulnerability have to do with joy you ask? Well, if I build-up my walls to avoid feeling bad feelings (shame, guilt, fear, disappointment, regret etc.) how do good feelings make it through the walls? It makes fundamental sense that you can’t isolate out the bad and only feel the good. If I’m not willing to lean-in to the bad, I can’t lean-in to the good. And I can admit that I don’t often feel joy. Because I’m not sure how to lean-in to those moments.
Long-story short it came down practicing creativity creates comfort-ability with vulnerability, which in turn will lead to a more authentic state of self. That’s where I’m headed. So I’m writing, using my creativity and putting it out there. Opening myself up and being vulnerable in the search for true, genuine and pro-longed moments of joy.
Lauren Blauw 