I had no idea that I would love my baby so much. After we adopted our 3 oldest we really had no intention of having, biologically or otherwise, any more kids. We can thank a family trip to DisneyWorld (there are a lot of adorable babies there), my increasing age and a decision to finally make piece with my flabby dimpled body for the inspiration to have a biological child.
He was and is just the dreamiest. Knowing him is an easy adoration I have never experienced before and haven’t encountered since. My baby started giving me baby fever around 3 weeks old. And every moment with my baby was tinged with a slight grief that the moment I was in would come and go, never to be repeated. I felt jipped. It didn’t feel fair that just because we took a leap and adopted 3 kids, we couldn’t have a 2nd biological child. Because that would be 5 kids. Having 5 kids is insane. Who does that? Hardly anyone I know. You?
So we are having a fifth. I am 36 years old which places me just inside the geriatric/high risk pregnancy club. But whatever. I am physically healthy and mentally managed. My last pregnancy was perfect. Not worried. One bit. I would have my second, albeit last baby. No questions or concerns.
I thought it would be as simple as that. But our soon to be born baby has Down Syndrome and a congenital heart defect. Our already complicated story is about to get more complicated. And the worst part for me is the fear that I will miss much of my kids lives this next year while caring for this 2nd baby that I just had to have. We’ve read that the average Down Syndrome baby has around 130 Doctors appointments in their first year of life.
I’m sure there is some story being written here where I will eventually say, “It’s not what I wanted but it’s what we needed.” I’m sure I will love this baby. I’m sure her siblings will love her. I’m sure we will make it.
But it’s not what I wanted and I’m scared that I do not have enough of myself left to give to another worthy cause. I thought I had already signed up for enough hard work.
“There is no greater guilt than discontentment.” ~ Lao-tzu
Lauren Blauw 
God definitely has a way of throwing curve balls, but also a way of giving us enough peace, grace, comfort, and a surrounding village to help us through this roller coaster called life. I have no doubt that you will feel the blessings of having your 2nd birth. No doubt. I personally cannot wait to love on this baby and walk this road with your family. You can do it. WE can do it…we’re all here waiting to help. Praying you feel the rally cry of your people and the peace only God can give. Praying that your children will learn what it’s like to spill out love on this baby that may be a little different from them – learning lessons that are unteachable but through experiences, something that will launch them one step further than other kids. I love the Blauws 🙂
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As someone who has given her life to Jason, to adopt three kids, have another and manage it all while giving praise and honor to God, GREED is not a word rhat should be in your mind. Think about maybe God giving you the desire ti have another child so your children can learn from HER. Your kids will learn as they watch you navigate this new road. You and Jason will learn to trust each other more and trust the Lord more. It is not about greed. God stirred your heart for this new and exciting precious child He is giving the Blauw family.
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With having 3 overall healthy babies who are steadily growing and becoming their own little people, I think every mother has that fear, with the more kids they have, that they won’t be able to give their all to each child. With having a child with special needs that feeling I’m sure increases 100xs for the reasons you listed (drs visits, extra time to help them with their individual needs,etc)
I have followed and read books before of families who ended up having a special needs child in the mix and how it became the greatest blessing, not only to the mother, but the other children who had no choice but to be involved in this little one’s life. In 34 years I have most certainly learned that we don’t usually get everything we want, but we get everything we need, even if our plan is different from what God thinks we need. Take it from someone whose whole family including mom and dad had covid bad this past June, and now, 2 months later, we all have it again and appear just as sick as the first time we had it. So what can I learn from being covered in puke all this week, and tending to littles while I myself feel like I’m dying? Well I think I have learned to slow down and realize that I don’t have to spend every waking second doing “fun things” with my kids to spend time with them. I also learned that despite having a career caring for sick patients, my first and foremost important patients are the ones that live under my roof and demand my 100 percent just like my actual patients do at my job.
I’m sure as you continue to blog when your little one is here you will continue to work through all your emotions as God put this little one into your care. I’m also sure, that much like any different challenge and circumstance, time will show you the answers your searching for and you will come to a place of contentment (sooner or later haha) keep writing! I enjoy your thoughts and always pray you know your not alone! ( you always have someone in this world going through your exact situation and if that doesn’t cut it for you, Gods always with you along your journey!)
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