Another Baby to Love

In my earliest stages of processing this grief the resounding cry that brought me to my knees was, “I just wanted another baby to love.”

When I processed what the rest of my life and my family might look like considering this special needs child I was about to inherit, that singular thought was the culmination of my anger.

To no ones surprise, adopting 3 kids with deep hurts has not been the easiest. It hasn’t been BAD but it has been lots and lots of work. Loving one another has not come easy from any involved parties. Forming healthy attachments with one another has taken intentional and thoughtful steps. Therapists galore. Mounds of books on trauma and love languages and parenting. Late night drinking and ice cream runs.

My point is that is has been non-traditional. If you’ve not adopted I can confidently say that you just don’t know. It is not the same. Again, not BAD but also not for the faint of heart. Forming healthy attachments with adopted kids from foster care flexes different muscles than attaching to neurotypical biological children.

Enter bio kid 1 in March 2020. Man, what a cake walk. Attaching to him was not something I had to evaluate and strategize. Just happened. And because it just happened I was able to enjoy so many maternal moments that I never had before despite already having 3 kids.

I.E. Running to me when I return home. Reaching for me. Insisting on sitting next to me. Listening to me. Being sad when I leave. Allowing me to help with simple tasks. Trusting me. Liking me. It was just easier. And God was I looking forward to having just one more chance at experiencing that kind of undiluted mutual adoration.

So when I was mad and yelling at God, I’d run through all my fears. All the reasons I was so mad He would do this to me. After all I had already been through? Really?!, “I just wanted one more baby to love!”

And then one day it hit me. In one sentence I was admitting that I didn’t think I would or could or wanted to love this baby.

And then I felt shame.

I still do.

I’m still working through it.