Little girl continues to be full of surprises. We have made it to 34 weeks and passed our latest non-stress test with flying colors. Next week we have what we expect to be our last Fetal Echo and Ultrasound at the Chicago Institute for Fetal Health.
How am I doing? Well…..
I’m sweaty. All the time. I bought special cream deodorant that I can put basically all over my body. And I do. Shout out to Lume for keeping me freshish. Because there is nothing on God’s green earth that could actually keep me fresh at this point.
I’m also sick to my stomach. I have been. SINCE FEBRUARY. Nothing sounds good to eat. AND I LOVE TO EAT. When I do eat, I feel bad after. And guess what? When I puke. I sweat extra.
I’m as short and stout as a teapot. And I swear to God, if you tip me over I’m gonna smack yo momma cuz at this point getting up from being tipped over would be the end of my day. And also, it would make me break a sweat.
In my early 20s I used to laugh at the thought of what I would look like being pregnant. I knew in my head it would not be a cute look on me. I was sure I would look like the Kool-Aid man except with a waddle and in no way refreshing. Turns out. This girl knows her body type because that is exactly what I look like. I’m 34 weeks pregnant and people who don’t see me often can’t even really tell.
So physically, I feel like some blob of a being who is just invisibly existing. I’m too sweaty to wear my hair down and too sweaty to put makeup on and resigned myself to only buying a total of 4 outfits to make it through this summer pregnant. And 3 weeks ago I split a pair of shorts. In front of my 9 year old son who really had the time of his life laughing at my expense.
And then there is my mental health. And since it is late at night and I don’t feel like crying, I’ll stick to the cliff notes.
- I’m increasingly anxious about handling “all of this”.
- I feel inadequate in pretty much everyway.
- I’m lonely
- Filled with regret
- Wrestling with guilt and shame
- I’m angry
- Questioning God. Is that even the right way to put it? Struggling with faith? Generally pissed off?
- And 100% burnt out parenting. Ha. HAHAHAHA, Isn’t that some shit? HAHAHAHA. Oh the irony. What a joke. But you know, “Gods got this”. Lol. K.
It’s fine. I’m fine. Definitely cried while typing that list. Damnit.
Public Disclaimer: I hope my general public complaining does not put anyone off from reaching out. Or especially from trying to encourage me. I’ve yet to be offended by anything anyone has said to me in an attempt to comfort. There are no perfect words. Heck, I don’t even know what to say to me. I’m thankful for the check-ins and for everyone letting me (mostly) wear my heart on my sleeve.
Lauren Blauw 