Do the next thing. Take the next step. Everything is manageable in small doses. Get the diagnosis. Learn. Make the appointment. See the doctor. Plan. Another procedure. Talk to the children. Pack your bag. Be polite. Another IV. Don’t cry. Fill out the form. Talk to the teachers. Love. Comfort. Google.
It’s just the next thing. It’s all just the next thing.
I’m so good at doing the next thing. I can do the next thing all day long and not bat an eye. I am so good at the next thing that I forget to think about the whole thing; the whole BIG thing.
The stress. The worry. Lost time with my other kids. Lost memories. Missed events. Skipped traditions. The money that is no longer tucked tightly in our savings. The loneliness. The sadness. The grief. The anger. The challenged faith. The doubts. The new identity. New priorities.
It turns out that sure-footedly taking every next step does not get you closer to reconciling with the ‘whole big thing’.
Sometimes you have no choice to take the steps. In fact, your children are depending on you to take those steps. Keep going, keep moving forward and stay strong. Stay vigilant for their sake.
But when you can, and when it is appropriate you need to sit with the bigness of what you are going through. The reality is that every necessary step has been to simply keep your child alive.
What has it been like to live with the ever constant fear that your child might die? Tell me about the whole big thing.
Lauren Blauw 