Category: Calling

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The Whole Big Thing

Do the next thing. Take the next step. Everything is manageable in small doses. Get the diagnosis. Learn. Make the appointment. See the doctor. Plan. Another procedure. Talk to the children. Pack your bag. Be polite. Another IV. Don’t cry. Fill out the form. Talk to the teachers. Love. Comfort. Google.

It’s just the next thing. It’s all just the next thing.

I’m so good at doing the next thing. I can do the next thing all day long and not bat an eye. I am so good at the next thing that I forget to think about the whole thing; the whole BIG thing.

The stress. The worry. Lost time with my other kids. Lost memories. Missed events. Skipped traditions. The money that is no longer tucked tightly in our savings. The loneliness. The sadness. The grief. The anger. The challenged faith. The doubts. The new identity. New priorities.

It turns out that sure-footedly taking every next step does not get you closer to reconciling with the ‘whole big thing’.

Sometimes you have no choice to take the steps. In fact, your children are depending on you to take those steps. Keep going, keep moving forward and stay strong. Stay vigilant for their sake.

But when you can, and when it is appropriate you need to sit with the bigness of what you are going through. The reality is that every necessary step has been to simply keep your child alive.

What has it been like to live with the ever constant fear that your child might die? Tell me about the whole big thing.

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Hiccups.

I’ve had a bit of a writing hiccup.  No, I haven’t run out of words (not remotely possible).  But I have kind of run out of courage.

The problem I’ve always had with blogging is that I easily start feeling self-centered and attention seeking.  Even if I personally know that’s not the case, I still feel like that’s what it starts looking like to everyone else.  Maybe if I felt like I was telling more of a story and not just talking about my life it wouldn’t feel so awkward.

I actually have about 10 more posts written that I’m just not ready to post.  Maybe I never will.  Maybe I never really should.  I love writing.  But I don’t know what it is I’m meant to write.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from all of you.  What kinds of blogs do you love to read?  What kind of blogs do you wish there were more of?  What are the topics that are on your mind?

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She Follows Through

I started my spiritual-awakening while completing Nicki Koziarz bible study on 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit.  It takes you through the incredible non-stop obedience of Ruth.   One of the discussion questions towards the end of the study was to use 3 words to describe your journey through the study.  After some thought I decided my 3 words were Reluctance, Revelation and Re-focused.

Reluctance

I really thought this study sounded stupid.  Also, once I saw a play on the story of Ruth and Naomi and wanted to stab my eyes out.  Or rip my ears off?  Maybe both.  My point is, that play left the wrong impression on me as to what exactly Ruth had to offer me personally.

Revelation

“She follows through despite how she feels.”  The second habit. 

I wanted to step into my calling but, Dear Lord, I’m so tired.

I wanted to write but I felt like people would think I was an egomaniac for feeling that I had anything of value to say.

I felt like God was calling me to something but I wasn’t sure what it was or where to start.

“She stays open to the movement of God.”  The Third Habit.

Discerning the voice of God has at times been very easy for me to do.  However, I sensed this movement for 9 months, with no clear indication of what I was supposed to do.  I am a very mission-minded individual so it is hard for me to start task managing when I can’t see the big picture.  So instead of moving, I stood still, waiting for God.  One of my favorite preachers once said:  While you are waiting for God to come down, He is waiting for you to get up!  I needed to get up.  I got up – like an 80 year old woman would get up off the floor but let’s not talk details.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin.” Zechariah 4:10 [NLT]

Re-Focused

I cannot describe the joy and excitement in my heart after my revelation.  When you can’t start task-managing fast enough after standing still for so long, you know it’s a God Assignment.  I paid for my domain name, created a Facebook page, scheduled a photo shoot and started hounding my Social Media friend, Liz Jostes from Eli Rose Social Media non-stop.  I’m ready and re-focused.  I have no idea what to expect but I’m not going to quit.  I’m going to finish.

If you are looking for a great, easy yet scripturally focused study, check out 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit by Nicki Koziarz.  What is it that you need to finish?

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Promises Promises

I am so happy that you have decided to join me on this journey of writing and community building.  While I’m chasing a dream of writing, I’m simultaneously chasing a dream of ministry.  I have no ultimate vision of what that ministry will look like but I’m taking steps and doing my best to listen for God’s direction at each turn.

For now, I’m trying to build a community.  Partly for my personal need for connection with the body of believers.  Partly because I feel a need for a true, honest, spirit seeking place for believers.  Not all of us have access to that kind of community and some of us do not know how to build those kinds of relationships.  So let’s start here, together.

I want to start on the right foot and tell you what this group will not be.  Please hold me accountable to these at any time.

What This Community Will Not Be.

A sounding board.  It is not my goal or intention to use this platform to complain.

A place of comparison.  If ever it sounds like I’m bragging, I’m not.  Attribute any prideful language to poor writing.  My effort will always be to intentionally point to God’s goodness.

A place of competition.  My life has seasons where it is really hard.  My life also has seasons that are really beautiful.  Your life is the same but with a different narrative.  I will never compete to prove to you how bad or good my life is.

A place where I always think I’m right.  Most of the time, I’m just doing my best.  I’ve lived long enough to remember some of the biggest revelations I’ve had have come from people brave enough to boldly state opinions that differ from mine.  It’s essentially why I watch The View.  You are always welcome to share your thoughts with me – please do!

What This Community Will Be.

A place of encouragement.  While I would love to encourage each of you individually, and I pray that some of my writing might do just that, my greatest hope is that this place will be a place of encouragement for you to seek the Lord with everything you’ve got.  In every season.  In every pain and praise.  In every hurt and hardship.  If this group can encourage you to do one thing, I pray that it’s to seek Him in all things.

A place of silliness.  Comedy is one of my favorite things.  I believe that some of the best fellowship comes from people laughing together.  When you laugh together you’ve found common ground, the roots of relationship.

A place of challenges.  I want to live my life to a place of exhaustion, serving and loving other people as we are called to do.  Let’s get out and beyond the walls of our local church and into our communities.

Are you ready for this?

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Giddy-Up

I’ve spent the last year of my life running from this dream.  This dream where I’m writing, connecting, learning and searching for God.  Every excuse I could find I used.  I’m not good enough.  I don’t have enough time.  My focus should be on my kids.  I don’t even really know if this is what God has for me.  I don’t even really know if this is something I would like.  Any excuse to push it away.

What changed?  Well there were a series of less than coincidental events that led me to believe that I could do what I wanted.  Imagine that.  I began to believe that maybe I do have a voice that matters.  I also got physically tired of wondering if I was falling short of the possibilities life had for me.  And I made a conscience decision to stop leaning in to the fear of how you all might feel about me and what I choose to write or what you might think about my ego.  I let go of my nightmares surrounding semi-colons and stopped caring if my writing isn’t good enough.  I also accepted the possibility that in 2 years I might realize I really don’t like writing and having to deal with telling everyone that this was just another Lauren Blauw fad (of which I’ve had many in my life).

I’m trying to do a better of job of leaning in to what God has been speaking to me.  I want the unknown to be an irrelevant factor in everything God calls me to.  God tells us that there is a lesson to learn in every calling, whether we fail or succeed.  It shouldn’t matter what the end of the story is if we know that God has called us to begin it.

So I’m going to chase this calling and I SO hope you will join me and challenge me and cheer me on.