Finding Forward

I have fat arms. I do. I JUST DO. Nothing will ever change that. And I’m fully prepared that in no more than 10 years I will need to warn those around me to duck as I prepare to wave.

I have cellulite. Sometimes I’m positive I can see cellulite ON MY ARMS!!! My BIG. FAT. ARMS.

I also have a love for fitness and healthy eating. You would NEVER KNOW THAT. And for years it bothered me. For YEARS I told my husband that what bothers me most about my fatness is that all these skinny people are looking at me thinking I’m fat for a reason. Well folks, I want to publicly let you all know that I’m FAT because that’s how God wants me right now. In college I had a pretty bad eating disorder. I spent 2 hours on the treadmill every day (EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.) and ate less than 1,000 calories each day for over 2 years. Get this: I never reached an unhealthy weight. If you factor in math and science: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

My point is, if you think I’m fat because I eat too much that’s fine. BUT what I’M uncovering is that this fatness is intentional. I think that God has found an area of me that I need to surrender. Not because surrender is a magic pill but because I need to learn to live the way in which He created me. The way He created me was in His image. Righteous. Worthy. GOOD.

Lots-O-Days, I don’t really like this fat girl. But He does and He wants me to learn to like her too. From a place of surrender. Face down. Maybe until I do that, I’ll stay in this place. Accepting myself just as I am might be the greatest stronghold I’ll ever have to knock down.

P.S. Please don’t’ tell me not to use the word fat. It’s my word and you can’t take it from me.

P.S.S. If you are skinny and mean, I just want to let you know that I’m hilarious, generous, smart, have an impeccable sense of style and just generally a person that people like to be around. If you are skinny and nice, bless you. Let’s be friends!

P.S.S.S Dang it. If I was really on the right track to liking myself, I would not have felt the need to tell skinny people how awesome I am (see P.S.S.).

P.S.S.S.S. Oh, I get it. If I was on the right track I wouldn’t have written this post at all.

Finding Forward is a little snip-it from a sermon I recently listened to. Long-story short, it was a one-liner that I really like and stuck with me. Who am I? Where am I going? What is God calling me towards? How do I want to be remembered? Those questions are so heavy and day-to-day feel impossible to answer.

Since adopting my 3 kids and having a really insane identity crisis I have been trying to find my forward. I’m still searching. I re-pierced my nose and bought some Adidas sneakers. I lost a bunch of weight….I re-gained a bunch of weight. Ok, not a bunch but some. It’s still up for debate as to how much weight has or hasn’t been re-gained. I started intentionally dating friends, got 2 3 guinea pigs, bought 1 really expensive champagne glass, started taking voice lessons, and I’m clipping my toe nails more frequently than ever before.

Part of my crisis after becoming an instant mother of 3 was feeling like who I was as an individual had been completely lost. I wasn’t cool anymore, I was just a mom and being a mom isn’t sexy. Us moms drive minivans filled with literal garbage. It’s sad …… and quite frankly, disgusting. The other part of my crisis was the guilt I had over motherhood not being enough for me. It’s just not, and I thought I was the only one. I thought it was because I had adopted instead of having shot babies out from between my thighs that I was missing that beautiful euphoria a mother shares with her children. But that theory is crap. Motherhood is lonely, for everyone.

I see a lot of you out there and just like me you’re trying to find your sexy. It’s why we are all taking weird selfies of ourselves. Why we’ve succumbed to wearing skinny jeans that uncomfortably hug all of our imperfections. We are essentially in adult-onset puberty. Doing really weird things that we will look back on in 20 years and feel creeped out by.

Welcome to being a woman. Who also happens to be a mom. In a man’s world. Where you drive around in garbage.

Category: Finding Forward

Fat Arms and Other Afflictions