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Greed

I had no idea that I would love my baby so much. After we adopted our 3 oldest we really had no intention of having, biologically or otherwise, any more kids. We can thank a family trip to DisneyWorld (there are a lot of adorable babies there), my increasing age and a decision to finally make piece with my flabby dimpled body for the inspiration to have a biological child.

He was and is just the dreamiest. Knowing him is an easy adoration I have never experienced before and haven’t encountered since. My baby started giving me baby fever around 3 weeks old. And every moment with my baby was tinged with a slight grief that the moment I was in would come and go, never to be repeated. I felt jipped. It didn’t feel fair that just because we took a leap and adopted 3 kids, we couldn’t have a 2nd biological child. Because that would be 5 kids. Having 5 kids is insane. Who does that? Hardly anyone I know. You?

So we are having a fifth. I am 36 years old which places me just inside the geriatric/high risk pregnancy club. But whatever. I am physically healthy and mentally managed. My last pregnancy was perfect. Not worried. One bit. I would have my second, albeit last baby. No questions or concerns.

I thought it would be as simple as that. But our soon to be born baby has Down Syndrome and a congenital heart defect. Our already complicated story is about to get more complicated. And the worst part for me is the fear that I will miss much of my kids lives this next year while caring for this 2nd baby that I just had to have. We’ve read that the average Down Syndrome baby has around 130 Doctors appointments in their first year of life.

I’m sure there is some story being written here where I will eventually say, “It’s not what I wanted but it’s what we needed.” I’m sure I will love this baby. I’m sure her siblings will love her. I’m sure we will make it.

But it’s not what I wanted and I’m scared that I do not have enough of myself left to give to another worthy cause. I thought I had already signed up for enough hard work.

“There is no greater guilt than discontentment.” ~ Lao-tzu

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Motherhood Is A Cluster

All winter break my kids were driving me crazy. They were fighting and sassing for what felt like the entire length of Independence Day Resurgence. How can such tiny people have so much sass? I was SO ready for them to go back to school.

Full disclosure: I work from home so the level of annoyance that I felt went beyond simply being annoyed. Nay. This was an annoyance that felt as if several thousand tiny hands were slowly crawling up my body and clawing at my neck. Touching. So much touching. Talking…..so.much.talking.

Moving on.

So why, pray tell, was it so hard for me to send them to school today on their first day back from winter break? Why? Why did I just want to hug my littlest one (in age not size) and make sure he knew I loved him. That I care about him. That he didn’t have to be scared. Why? WHY WAS I SAD?!

Eh-Hem. Motherhood is a cluster. I don’t get it. And frankly, I don’t enjoy the perplexity of emotions that the start and end of winter break can bring to one simple woman who, DEAR GOD, is just trying to live HER BEST LIFE.

Blah. Don’t mind me. I’m just a 31 year old woman who cannot get a handle on what she wants out of life. Ha. Hahahahaha. What a joke.

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Just Thankful.

I’m not sure what’s been happening to me lately.  I can’t seem to go to a bible study, worship service or Wal-Mart without being overcome by the greatness of God. The reason I say I’m not sure what’s happening is because there is really nothing spectacular about this season of life.  Most of us probably recall on one or two hands the number of seasons in our lives where we have felt with no uncertainty God’s good great presence at work in our lives.  Often those seasons exist within times of grief, loss, fear, answered prayer, unexplained miracles or times of great joy – the times we are actively looking for Him; the times we need to give thanks or to cry out.

However, when life is feeling “normal”, we are likely to begin slipping into the habit of taking Him for granted.  The times when your family has enough money, everyone is healthy, relationships are good, you know, the “normal” times. Those are the seasons we begin to assume God’s existence rather than acknowledge it, much less actively search for it.

That’s why I’m surprised and really quite thankful that in this quiet and maybe mundane season of my life, I’ve never been more aware of His goodness. This just might be the best time in life to feel that. I have nothing to point towards other than Him. I’m not thanking Him for a cleared test result, praising him for a healthy baby or crying out to Him at the loss of someone dear. I’m just thanking.

Some might say, Lauren, it’s Christmas – everyone is close to Jesus this time of year. I call bull on that because last year, I was in basically the same place of progress in my life and guess what? I gave two rips about the fact that it was Christmas. I was utterly disinterested in the Christmas to-do list and overall would have stated that I was unmoved by the season. This year, nothing has drastically changed, no traumatic or life-altering events have taken place and yet, I’m simply overcome.

I have sat in church the last few weekends on the verge of tears just because of where I was. Not because of the sermon, the worship or even the time of month. Just thankful. I’m here and so is He and it’s so so good.

Dear God, please let me stay in this place forever. Please God may I keep my eyes on You and You keep your grip on me. Lord, I feel better than I ever have in my whole life. Let me please somehow pass this on to everyone around me. I pray God you could use me. Don’t ever let go God. I love You so much. In Your name, Amen.

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Be A Stephanie

I have a personal motto/affirmation I say to myself whenever I am tempted to give in to social anxieties. The motto is simple and to the point: Be a Stephanie.

What on God’s green earth does that mean, you might ask. Well, it’s simple. In a world full of timid interactions and second-guessed moments: Be a Stephanie.

Who on God’s green earth is Stephanie, you might ask. Well it’s an odd story. Stephanie is a girl/woman/lady I meet at a mutual friends bachelorette party. Stephanie was at this party solo.  She knew no one other than the bride and had flown into Chicago from New Jersey just for this party. The spectacular thing about Stephanie is that I had no idea she didn’t know anyone until hours into the party, when I had already decided I liked her.

Stephanie took initiative in starting conversations and was the first to offer help to the hosts at every turn. Conversation with Stephanie wasn’t simply pleasant and definitely wasn’t awkward. Talking to Stephanie was as easy as talking to any good friend.

Stephanie’s view of and appreciation for the company surrounding her was obvious. Even though she didn’t know them, she genuinely seemed to like where she was at that moment. Her heart for the guest of honor was obvious.  Repeatedly stating that she just wanted the bride-to-be to have the absolute best time of her life that night. Stephanie didn’t just say that but she took action to make it happen. Her decisions throughout the night were not based on her own comfort or enjoyment but on the comfort and enjoyment of the bachelorette.

I have never seen Stephanie again since that bachelorette party. I don’t even know her last name to find her on Facebook. But her spirit made an incredible impact on my life in a short 24 hours. Telling my husband about the party on the way home I spoke of Stephanie and I said: I want to be a Stephanie. I want to make other people feel as good and included as Stephanie made me feel.

So there you have it. When I’m in a situation where I’m uncertain of my surroundings. When I’m not sure how to act or who to talk to and find myself questioning each moment rather than enjoying them I remind myself: Be a Stephanie.

Rather than worry if others are seeing you, make others feel seen.

Rather than trying to be the life of the party, make sure others feel heard.

Rather than recoiling after an odd interaction with someone, move on. Let go. Love.

Be a Stephanie.

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Hiccups.

I’ve had a bit of a writing hiccup.  No, I haven’t run out of words (not remotely possible).  But I have kind of run out of courage.

The problem I’ve always had with blogging is that I easily start feeling self-centered and attention seeking.  Even if I personally know that’s not the case, I still feel like that’s what it starts looking like to everyone else.  Maybe if I felt like I was telling more of a story and not just talking about my life it wouldn’t feel so awkward.

I actually have about 10 more posts written that I’m just not ready to post.  Maybe I never will.  Maybe I never really should.  I love writing.  But I don’t know what it is I’m meant to write.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from all of you.  What kinds of blogs do you love to read?  What kind of blogs do you wish there were more of?  What are the topics that are on your mind?