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Finding Forward

Finding Forward is a little snip-it from a sermon I recently listened to.  Long-story short, it was a one-liner that I really like and stuck with me.  Who am I?  Where am I going?  What is God calling me towards? How do I want to be remembered? Those questions are so heavy and day-to-day feel impossible to answer.

Since adopting my 3 kids and having a really insane identity crisis I have been trying to find my forward.  I’m still searching.  I re-pierced my nose and bought some Adidas sneakers.  I lost a bunch of weight….I re-gained a bunch of weight.  Ok, not a bunch but some.  It’s still up for debate as to how much weight has or hasn’t been re-gained.  I started intentionally dating friends, got 2 3 guinea pigs, bought 1 really expensive champagne glass, started taking voice lessons, and I’m clipping my toe nails more frequently than ever before.

Part of my crisis after becoming an instant mother of 3 was feeling like who I was as an individual had been completely lost.  I wasn’t cool anymore, I was just a mom and being a mom isn’t sexy.  Us moms drive minivans filled with literal garbage.  It’s sad …… and quite frankly, disgusting.  The other part of my crisis was the guilt I had over motherhood not being enough for me.  It’s just not, and I thought I was the only one.  I thought it was because I had adopted instead of having shot babies out from between my thighs that I was missing that beautiful euphoria a mother shares with her children.  But that theory is crap.  Motherhood is lonely, for everyone.

I see a lot of you out there and just like me you’re trying to find your sexy.  It’s why we are all taking weird selfies of ourselves.  Why we’ve succumbed to wearing skinny jeans that uncomfortably hug all of our imperfections.  We are essentially in adult-onset puberty.  Doing really weird things that we will look back on in 20 years and feel creeped out by.

Welcome to being a woman.  Who also happens to be a mom.  In a man’s world.  Where you drive around in garbage.

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Far From Beautiful

I’m not going to tell the story.  It’s not beautiful.

It’s actually been ugly.  Ugly pieces of my heart that I hadn’t even known existed have surfaced since becoming a parent.  And so, it’s hard for me to respond to people’s questions about “our story”.  I guess that’s mostly because I know what they are expecting to hear.  They are expecting for me to tell them a beautiful story. A story that shines a light on the good in the world that so often seems hidden.  A story that reminds them there’s hope and beauty and redemption.  A story that points to all the ways God has rained down glory on our family and the enormous ways we’ve seen God move.  But I don’t have that story.

In fact, when people ask us about our journey, my mind spins into chaotic memories of yelling, crying and anger.  The long season of feeling alone and angry and privately regretting the choice I had made.  The ugly feelings that I tried to reason with as I desperately tried to remember the feelings of certainty I had when God spoke adoption into our lives.  I questioned if I had got the calling wrong.  The experience was traumatic and I am a changed person because of it.  Those memories hurt.  They feel ugly.

The story is far from beautiful.  But it also isn’t over.

I’ve been hearing God whisper to me since the dust has settled; reminding me that my work is important. That although I’ve failed in moments, I haven’t failed in life.  I haven’t sacrificed as gracefully as I had hoped but my sacrifice is still valid.  My favorite theme of the bible isn’t grace alone but the progress grace allows. His grace is sufficient, but for what? Sufficient grace so we can stand still or sufficient grace so we can progress? If God’s blessing to my family came immediately after the adoption papers were signed, what story would we have to tell?  That God is simple?  That we systematically receive when we give? There are no stories like that in the bible. Why did I think my story would be the first?

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She Follows Through

I started my spiritual-awakening while completing Nicki Koziarz bible study on 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit.  It takes you through the incredible non-stop obedience of Ruth.   One of the discussion questions towards the end of the study was to use 3 words to describe your journey through the study.  After some thought I decided my 3 words were Reluctance, Revelation and Re-focused.

Reluctance

I really thought this study sounded stupid.  Also, once I saw a play on the story of Ruth and Naomi and wanted to stab my eyes out.  Or rip my ears off?  Maybe both.  My point is, that play left the wrong impression on me as to what exactly Ruth had to offer me personally.

Revelation

“She follows through despite how she feels.”  The second habit. 

I wanted to step into my calling but, Dear Lord, I’m so tired.

I wanted to write but I felt like people would think I was an egomaniac for feeling that I had anything of value to say.

I felt like God was calling me to something but I wasn’t sure what it was or where to start.

“She stays open to the movement of God.”  The Third Habit.

Discerning the voice of God has at times been very easy for me to do.  However, I sensed this movement for 9 months, with no clear indication of what I was supposed to do.  I am a very mission-minded individual so it is hard for me to start task managing when I can’t see the big picture.  So instead of moving, I stood still, waiting for God.  One of my favorite preachers once said:  While you are waiting for God to come down, He is waiting for you to get up!  I needed to get up.  I got up – like an 80 year old woman would get up off the floor but let’s not talk details.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin.” Zechariah 4:10 [NLT]

Re-Focused

I cannot describe the joy and excitement in my heart after my revelation.  When you can’t start task-managing fast enough after standing still for so long, you know it’s a God Assignment.  I paid for my domain name, created a Facebook page, scheduled a photo shoot and started hounding my Social Media friend, Liz Jostes from Eli Rose Social Media non-stop.  I’m ready and re-focused.  I have no idea what to expect but I’m not going to quit.  I’m going to finish.

If you are looking for a great, easy yet scripturally focused study, check out 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit by Nicki Koziarz.  What is it that you need to finish?

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Promises Promises

I am so happy that you have decided to join me on this journey of writing and community building.  While I’m chasing a dream of writing, I’m simultaneously chasing a dream of ministry.  I have no ultimate vision of what that ministry will look like but I’m taking steps and doing my best to listen for God’s direction at each turn.

For now, I’m trying to build a community.  Partly for my personal need for connection with the body of believers.  Partly because I feel a need for a true, honest, spirit seeking place for believers.  Not all of us have access to that kind of community and some of us do not know how to build those kinds of relationships.  So let’s start here, together.

I want to start on the right foot and tell you what this group will not be.  Please hold me accountable to these at any time.

What This Community Will Not Be.

A sounding board.  It is not my goal or intention to use this platform to complain.

A place of comparison.  If ever it sounds like I’m bragging, I’m not.  Attribute any prideful language to poor writing.  My effort will always be to intentionally point to God’s goodness.

A place of competition.  My life has seasons where it is really hard.  My life also has seasons that are really beautiful.  Your life is the same but with a different narrative.  I will never compete to prove to you how bad or good my life is.

A place where I always think I’m right.  Most of the time, I’m just doing my best.  I’ve lived long enough to remember some of the biggest revelations I’ve had have come from people brave enough to boldly state opinions that differ from mine.  It’s essentially why I watch The View.  You are always welcome to share your thoughts with me – please do!

What This Community Will Be.

A place of encouragement.  While I would love to encourage each of you individually, and I pray that some of my writing might do just that, my greatest hope is that this place will be a place of encouragement for you to seek the Lord with everything you’ve got.  In every season.  In every pain and praise.  In every hurt and hardship.  If this group can encourage you to do one thing, I pray that it’s to seek Him in all things.

A place of silliness.  Comedy is one of my favorite things.  I believe that some of the best fellowship comes from people laughing together.  When you laugh together you’ve found common ground, the roots of relationship.

A place of challenges.  I want to live my life to a place of exhaustion, serving and loving other people as we are called to do.  Let’s get out and beyond the walls of our local church and into our communities.

Are you ready for this?

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Giddy-Up

I’ve spent the last year of my life running from this dream.  This dream where I’m writing, connecting, learning and searching for God.  Every excuse I could find I used.  I’m not good enough.  I don’t have enough time.  My focus should be on my kids.  I don’t even really know if this is what God has for me.  I don’t even really know if this is something I would like.  Any excuse to push it away.

What changed?  Well there were a series of less than coincidental events that led me to believe that I could do what I wanted.  Imagine that.  I began to believe that maybe I do have a voice that matters.  I also got physically tired of wondering if I was falling short of the possibilities life had for me.  And I made a conscience decision to stop leaning in to the fear of how you all might feel about me and what I choose to write or what you might think about my ego.  I let go of my nightmares surrounding semi-colons and stopped caring if my writing isn’t good enough.  I also accepted the possibility that in 2 years I might realize I really don’t like writing and having to deal with telling everyone that this was just another Lauren Blauw fad (of which I’ve had many in my life).

I’m trying to do a better of job of leaning in to what God has been speaking to me.  I want the unknown to be an irrelevant factor in everything God calls me to.  God tells us that there is a lesson to learn in every calling, whether we fail or succeed.  It shouldn’t matter what the end of the story is if we know that God has called us to begin it.

So I’m going to chase this calling and I SO hope you will join me and challenge me and cheer me on.