Tag: blogging

Posted on

The Whole Big Thing

Do the next thing. Take the next step. Everything is manageable in small doses. Get the diagnosis. Learn. Make the appointment. See the doctor. Plan. Another procedure. Talk to the children. Pack your bag. Be polite. Another IV. Don’t cry. Fill out the form. Talk to the teachers. Love. Comfort. Google.

It’s just the next thing. It’s all just the next thing.

I’m so good at doing the next thing. I can do the next thing all day long and not bat an eye. I am so good at the next thing that I forget to think about the whole thing; the whole BIG thing.

The stress. The worry. Lost time with my other kids. Lost memories. Missed events. Skipped traditions. The money that is no longer tucked tightly in our savings. The loneliness. The sadness. The grief. The anger. The challenged faith. The doubts. The new identity. New priorities.

It turns out that sure-footedly taking every next step does not get you closer to reconciling with the ‘whole big thing’.

Sometimes you have no choice to take the steps. In fact, your children are depending on you to take those steps. Keep going, keep moving forward and stay strong. Stay vigilant for their sake.

But when you can, and when it is appropriate you need to sit with the bigness of what you are going through. The reality is that every necessary step has been to simply keep your child alive.

What has it been like to live with the ever constant fear that your child might die? Tell me about the whole big thing.

Posted on

Just Thankful.

I’m not sure what’s been happening to me lately.  I can’t seem to go to a bible study, worship service or Wal-Mart without being overcome by the greatness of God. The reason I say I’m not sure what’s happening is because there is really nothing spectacular about this season of life.  Most of us probably recall on one or two hands the number of seasons in our lives where we have felt with no uncertainty God’s good great presence at work in our lives.  Often those seasons exist within times of grief, loss, fear, answered prayer, unexplained miracles or times of great joy – the times we are actively looking for Him; the times we need to give thanks or to cry out.

However, when life is feeling “normal”, we are likely to begin slipping into the habit of taking Him for granted.  The times when your family has enough money, everyone is healthy, relationships are good, you know, the “normal” times. Those are the seasons we begin to assume God’s existence rather than acknowledge it, much less actively search for it.

That’s why I’m surprised and really quite thankful that in this quiet and maybe mundane season of my life, I’ve never been more aware of His goodness. This just might be the best time in life to feel that. I have nothing to point towards other than Him. I’m not thanking Him for a cleared test result, praising him for a healthy baby or crying out to Him at the loss of someone dear. I’m just thanking.

Some might say, Lauren, it’s Christmas – everyone is close to Jesus this time of year. I call bull on that because last year, I was in basically the same place of progress in my life and guess what? I gave two rips about the fact that it was Christmas. I was utterly disinterested in the Christmas to-do list and overall would have stated that I was unmoved by the season. This year, nothing has drastically changed, no traumatic or life-altering events have taken place and yet, I’m simply overcome.

I have sat in church the last few weekends on the verge of tears just because of where I was. Not because of the sermon, the worship or even the time of month. Just thankful. I’m here and so is He and it’s so so good.

Dear God, please let me stay in this place forever. Please God may I keep my eyes on You and You keep your grip on me. Lord, I feel better than I ever have in my whole life. Let me please somehow pass this on to everyone around me. I pray God you could use me. Don’t ever let go God. I love You so much. In Your name, Amen.

Posted on

Hiccups.

I’ve had a bit of a writing hiccup.  No, I haven’t run out of words (not remotely possible).  But I have kind of run out of courage.

The problem I’ve always had with blogging is that I easily start feeling self-centered and attention seeking.  Even if I personally know that’s not the case, I still feel like that’s what it starts looking like to everyone else.  Maybe if I felt like I was telling more of a story and not just talking about my life it wouldn’t feel so awkward.

I actually have about 10 more posts written that I’m just not ready to post.  Maybe I never will.  Maybe I never really should.  I love writing.  But I don’t know what it is I’m meant to write.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from all of you.  What kinds of blogs do you love to read?  What kind of blogs do you wish there were more of?  What are the topics that are on your mind?