Tag: christianity

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Just Thankful.

I’m not sure what’s been happening to me lately.  I can’t seem to go to a bible study, worship service or Wal-Mart without being overcome by the greatness of God. The reason I say I’m not sure what’s happening is because there is really nothing spectacular about this season of life.  Most of us probably recall on one or two hands the number of seasons in our lives where we have felt with no uncertainty God’s good great presence at work in our lives.  Often those seasons exist within times of grief, loss, fear, answered prayer, unexplained miracles or times of great joy – the times we are actively looking for Him; the times we need to give thanks or to cry out.

However, when life is feeling “normal”, we are likely to begin slipping into the habit of taking Him for granted.  The times when your family has enough money, everyone is healthy, relationships are good, you know, the “normal” times. Those are the seasons we begin to assume God’s existence rather than acknowledge it, much less actively search for it.

That’s why I’m surprised and really quite thankful that in this quiet and maybe mundane season of my life, I’ve never been more aware of His goodness. This just might be the best time in life to feel that. I have nothing to point towards other than Him. I’m not thanking Him for a cleared test result, praising him for a healthy baby or crying out to Him at the loss of someone dear. I’m just thanking.

Some might say, Lauren, it’s Christmas – everyone is close to Jesus this time of year. I call bull on that because last year, I was in basically the same place of progress in my life and guess what? I gave two rips about the fact that it was Christmas. I was utterly disinterested in the Christmas to-do list and overall would have stated that I was unmoved by the season. This year, nothing has drastically changed, no traumatic or life-altering events have taken place and yet, I’m simply overcome.

I have sat in church the last few weekends on the verge of tears just because of where I was. Not because of the sermon, the worship or even the time of month. Just thankful. I’m here and so is He and it’s so so good.

Dear God, please let me stay in this place forever. Please God may I keep my eyes on You and You keep your grip on me. Lord, I feel better than I ever have in my whole life. Let me please somehow pass this on to everyone around me. I pray God you could use me. Don’t ever let go God. I love You so much. In Your name, Amen.

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Shut It Down and Shut It Up

We all say it.  Every woman I know says, “I hate drama” or “I’m too old for drama” or some other variation.  So then why do we do it?  Why do we get tangled up in gossip even when we have the best intentions at heart?  We all fall victims to ourselves, relishing in the spread of information that was never ours to receive.  Why don’t we stop it when it starts?  Instead we justify and say, “Well I know I’m not going to tell anyone” or “We should pray for this couple”.  Why do we rationalize gossip?

I could give you my opinions.  The same ones you probably share.  We want to feel better about ourselves or we want to feel included, we want to fit in or seem like we are “in the know”.  But when we all have seen and have fallen victims to gossip and the damage it does and the hurt it creates.  Why do we continue?

Let me ask you this tough question: Are you a mean girl?  Am I?  Yes.  Irrevocably, yes.  If we participate in the dirt on someone’s marriage or the elective surgeries of someone in a friend circle, we are mean girls.

Have you ever been caught gossiping?  There is so much shame.  So much shame in knowing I couldn’t stop myself.  So much shame knowing I cared more about hearing what was wrong in someone else’s life than about doing something to build them up.  So much shame knowing that feeling like I was being included was more important than reaching out to the person who was being left out and singled out.

It’s so ugly.  It’s so mean.  We are better than this.   We need to shut it down and shut ourselves up.

P.S. Any information or conversations I have with ANYONE I keep confidential.  Recently, I have experienced a situation where that same courtesy was not given to me.  And it hurt.  I got hurt.

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What To Do When The Shower Curtain Falls On Your Head

I didn’t do a great job today.  Everything seemed fine at first, normal Saturday morning at home.  First nice day outside.  In fact, we were playing outside when Jason left to go get a haircut.  During the hour he was gone, the dog got out because Maria was playing with the front door.  {She knows not to play with that door – I’ve told her 6,000 times.  In fact, I had JUST told her not to play with the door.}.  So I ran frazzled down the driveway after the dog wondering if I had a recent enough picture of him on my phone to make flyers with {Also I wondered, has running always been this hard?}.

Got the dog back and was, you know, a little annoyed.  Carmelo of course just HAD to fall off his bike and get an incredibly minor red mark on his knee that prompted him to scream as if I had personally assaulted him.  {Does he not understand that I just chased the dog down the street and have not recovered emotionally OR physically from that?}.

Brelynn was, wait.  What was Brelynn doing?  I didn’t have time to check because Maria walked up to me and said she had to poop.  The problem was that she had her hand holding her rear.  A clear indicator that by “needed to” she meant “I already started to….”.  We rushed inside with the barely caught dog slung under my arm.  I was mad.  Really mad.  This was the 3rd time this week she pooped herself.  She is almost 5 and has been potty-trained since I’ve known her and I know this wasn’t an accident because she looked me clear in the face to tell me she just didn’t want to stop playing.  She willingly decided to poop herself. {What is she, 4?!}  My ability to clearly think was breaking down.  Angrier by the second.  I told her she was putting a pull-up on.  She started to scream in my face {not crying scream – angry scream}.  “Go to your room Maria, just get away from me right now.” I stormed {yes, stormed} past my other 2 kids rolling my eyes and shaking my head walking into the office where I often go to quietly curse.

The remaining 40 minutes was a power struggle of wills between myself and an almost 5-year-old.  Fits of rage from such a tiny body.  40 minutes of trying to be firm about the pull-up but not angry.  Not mean.  40 minutes of having to leave her room because her yelling and hitting were out of control {and so was I}.  When Jason got home she was sleeping.  Wore herself out.  I gave what I could of an exhausted run down of events and excused myself to take a quick shower.

It was a short shower.  Just enough to wash my hair, soap my pits and recklessly swipe a razor across my legs.  I pulled the shower curtain back when it happened.  The tension rod slipped and fell hard on my head.  It was loud.  Jason came rushing in to see me standing in the shower, naked, hurt, flawed and teary eyed.

So what DO you do when the shower curtain falls on your head?  You ugly cry.  Silently.  Into your towel.  And when it stops being quite so ugly and you can finally see through your sadness, you seek the Lord…..and ask him: What the heck?

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Fat Arms and Other Afflictions

I have fat arms.  I do.  I JUST DO.  Nothing will ever change that.  And I’m fully prepared that in no more than 10 years I will need to warn those around me to duck as I prepare to wave.

I have cellulite.  Sometimes I’m positive I can see cellulite ON MY ARMS!!!  My BIG. FAT. ARMS.

I also have a love for fitness and healthy eating.  You would NEVER KNOW THAT.  And for years it bothered me.  For YEARS I told my husband that what bothers me most about my fatness is that all these skinny people are looking at me thinking I’m fat for a reason.  Well folks, I want to publicly let you all know that I’m FAT because that’s how God wants me right now.  In college I had a pretty bad eating disorder.  I spent 2 hours on the treadmill every day (EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.) and ate less than 1,000 calories each day for over 2 years.  Get this: I never reached an unhealthy weight.  If you factor in math and science: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

My point is, if you think I’m fat because I eat too much that’s fine.  BUT what I’M uncovering is that this fatness is intentional.  I think that God has found an area of me that I need to surrender.  Not because surrender is a magic pill but because I need to learn to live the way in which He created me.  The way He created me was in His image.  Righteous.  Worthy.  GOOD.

Lots-O-Days, I don’t really like this fat girl.  But He does and He wants me to learn to like her too.  From a place of surrender.  Face down.  Maybe until I do that, I’ll stay in this place.  Accepting myself just as I am might be the greatest stronghold I’ll ever have to knock down.

P.S. Please don’t’ tell me not to use the word fat.  It’s my word and you can’t take it from me.

P.S.S.  If you are skinny and mean, I just want to let you know that I’m hilarious, generous, smart, have an impeccable sense of style and just generally a person that people like to be around.  If you are skinny and nice, bless you.  Let’s be friends!

P.S.S.S Dang it.  If I was really on the right track to liking myself, I would not have felt the need to tell skinny people how awesome I am (see P.S.S.).

P.S.S.S.S. Oh, I get it.  If I was on the right track I wouldn’t have written this post at all.

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Finding Forward

Finding Forward is a little snip-it from a sermon I recently listened to.  Long-story short, it was a one-liner that I really like and stuck with me.  Who am I?  Where am I going?  What is God calling me towards? How do I want to be remembered? Those questions are so heavy and day-to-day feel impossible to answer.

Since adopting my 3 kids and having a really insane identity crisis I have been trying to find my forward.  I’m still searching.  I re-pierced my nose and bought some Adidas sneakers.  I lost a bunch of weight….I re-gained a bunch of weight.  Ok, not a bunch but some.  It’s still up for debate as to how much weight has or hasn’t been re-gained.  I started intentionally dating friends, got 2 3 guinea pigs, bought 1 really expensive champagne glass, started taking voice lessons, and I’m clipping my toe nails more frequently than ever before.

Part of my crisis after becoming an instant mother of 3 was feeling like who I was as an individual had been completely lost.  I wasn’t cool anymore, I was just a mom and being a mom isn’t sexy.  Us moms drive minivans filled with literal garbage.  It’s sad …… and quite frankly, disgusting.  The other part of my crisis was the guilt I had over motherhood not being enough for me.  It’s just not, and I thought I was the only one.  I thought it was because I had adopted instead of having shot babies out from between my thighs that I was missing that beautiful euphoria a mother shares with her children.  But that theory is crap.  Motherhood is lonely, for everyone.

I see a lot of you out there and just like me you’re trying to find your sexy.  It’s why we are all taking weird selfies of ourselves.  Why we’ve succumbed to wearing skinny jeans that uncomfortably hug all of our imperfections.  We are essentially in adult-onset puberty.  Doing really weird things that we will look back on in 20 years and feel creeped out by.

Welcome to being a woman.  Who also happens to be a mom.  In a man’s world.  Where you drive around in garbage.