Tag: failure

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I Don’t Even Recognize Her

I don’t even recognize her.  She was so full of life and hope.  Nothing could stop her, nothing could slow her down or convince her to change course.  She’d never be defeated; her trust was in the Lord.

Today, her spirit isn’t jaded or weakened but thankful and stronger.  She hasn’t learned the hard way but has learned God’s way.  It’s work.  She’s been disciplined through love; for a greater purpose.  Her story isn’t the result of naivety but of hope.

I remember when she was asked to do the hard thing.  Her confidence.  So self-assured and focused on the goal set before her.

Now she’s living it.  It isn’t a goal or daydream full of whimsy but a reality.  She’s where God called her – the hard place.  Her confidence is not diminished but re-assigned, it’s no longer in her but in Him.  She’s no longer thinking that she is strong enough but that He is strong enough.  She’s seeing firsthand what He can do through a willing heart.  She is tired but wise.  She has been hurt but hasn’t lost.  She has failed and seen redemption.  Today, she is not less but more.  She has failed but hasn’t lost focus.

I don’t even recognize her.  Maybe I don’t want to.  Maybe I’m embarrassed of her.  The young woman I was 10 years ago.  I loved a God I didn’t really know.

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What To Do When The Shower Curtain Falls On Your Head

I didn’t do a great job today.  Everything seemed fine at first, normal Saturday morning at home.  First nice day outside.  In fact, we were playing outside when Jason left to go get a haircut.  During the hour he was gone, the dog got out because Maria was playing with the front door.  {She knows not to play with that door – I’ve told her 6,000 times.  In fact, I had JUST told her not to play with the door.}.  So I ran frazzled down the driveway after the dog wondering if I had a recent enough picture of him on my phone to make flyers with {Also I wondered, has running always been this hard?}.

Got the dog back and was, you know, a little annoyed.  Carmelo of course just HAD to fall off his bike and get an incredibly minor red mark on his knee that prompted him to scream as if I had personally assaulted him.  {Does he not understand that I just chased the dog down the street and have not recovered emotionally OR physically from that?}.

Brelynn was, wait.  What was Brelynn doing?  I didn’t have time to check because Maria walked up to me and said she had to poop.  The problem was that she had her hand holding her rear.  A clear indicator that by “needed to” she meant “I already started to….”.  We rushed inside with the barely caught dog slung under my arm.  I was mad.  Really mad.  This was the 3rd time this week she pooped herself.  She is almost 5 and has been potty-trained since I’ve known her and I know this wasn’t an accident because she looked me clear in the face to tell me she just didn’t want to stop playing.  She willingly decided to poop herself. {What is she, 4?!}  My ability to clearly think was breaking down.  Angrier by the second.  I told her she was putting a pull-up on.  She started to scream in my face {not crying scream – angry scream}.  “Go to your room Maria, just get away from me right now.” I stormed {yes, stormed} past my other 2 kids rolling my eyes and shaking my head walking into the office where I often go to quietly curse.

The remaining 40 minutes was a power struggle of wills between myself and an almost 5-year-old.  Fits of rage from such a tiny body.  40 minutes of trying to be firm about the pull-up but not angry.  Not mean.  40 minutes of having to leave her room because her yelling and hitting were out of control {and so was I}.  When Jason got home she was sleeping.  Wore herself out.  I gave what I could of an exhausted run down of events and excused myself to take a quick shower.

It was a short shower.  Just enough to wash my hair, soap my pits and recklessly swipe a razor across my legs.  I pulled the shower curtain back when it happened.  The tension rod slipped and fell hard on my head.  It was loud.  Jason came rushing in to see me standing in the shower, naked, hurt, flawed and teary eyed.

So what DO you do when the shower curtain falls on your head?  You ugly cry.  Silently.  Into your towel.  And when it stops being quite so ugly and you can finally see through your sadness, you seek the Lord…..and ask him: What the heck?

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Far From Beautiful

I’m not going to tell the story.  It’s not beautiful.

It’s actually been ugly.  Ugly pieces of my heart that I hadn’t even known existed have surfaced since becoming a parent.  And so, it’s hard for me to respond to people’s questions about “our story”.  I guess that’s mostly because I know what they are expecting to hear.  They are expecting for me to tell them a beautiful story. A story that shines a light on the good in the world that so often seems hidden.  A story that reminds them there’s hope and beauty and redemption.  A story that points to all the ways God has rained down glory on our family and the enormous ways we’ve seen God move.  But I don’t have that story.

In fact, when people ask us about our journey, my mind spins into chaotic memories of yelling, crying and anger.  The long season of feeling alone and angry and privately regretting the choice I had made.  The ugly feelings that I tried to reason with as I desperately tried to remember the feelings of certainty I had when God spoke adoption into our lives.  I questioned if I had got the calling wrong.  The experience was traumatic and I am a changed person because of it.  Those memories hurt.  They feel ugly.

The story is far from beautiful.  But it also isn’t over.

I’ve been hearing God whisper to me since the dust has settled; reminding me that my work is important. That although I’ve failed in moments, I haven’t failed in life.  I haven’t sacrificed as gracefully as I had hoped but my sacrifice is still valid.  My favorite theme of the bible isn’t grace alone but the progress grace allows. His grace is sufficient, but for what? Sufficient grace so we can stand still or sufficient grace so we can progress? If God’s blessing to my family came immediately after the adoption papers were signed, what story would we have to tell?  That God is simple?  That we systematically receive when we give? There are no stories like that in the bible. Why did I think my story would be the first?

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She Follows Through

I started my spiritual-awakening while completing Nicki Koziarz bible study on 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit.  It takes you through the incredible non-stop obedience of Ruth.   One of the discussion questions towards the end of the study was to use 3 words to describe your journey through the study.  After some thought I decided my 3 words were Reluctance, Revelation and Re-focused.

Reluctance

I really thought this study sounded stupid.  Also, once I saw a play on the story of Ruth and Naomi and wanted to stab my eyes out.  Or rip my ears off?  Maybe both.  My point is, that play left the wrong impression on me as to what exactly Ruth had to offer me personally.

Revelation

“She follows through despite how she feels.”  The second habit. 

I wanted to step into my calling but, Dear Lord, I’m so tired.

I wanted to write but I felt like people would think I was an egomaniac for feeling that I had anything of value to say.

I felt like God was calling me to something but I wasn’t sure what it was or where to start.

“She stays open to the movement of God.”  The Third Habit.

Discerning the voice of God has at times been very easy for me to do.  However, I sensed this movement for 9 months, with no clear indication of what I was supposed to do.  I am a very mission-minded individual so it is hard for me to start task managing when I can’t see the big picture.  So instead of moving, I stood still, waiting for God.  One of my favorite preachers once said:  While you are waiting for God to come down, He is waiting for you to get up!  I needed to get up.  I got up – like an 80 year old woman would get up off the floor but let’s not talk details.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin.” Zechariah 4:10 [NLT]

Re-Focused

I cannot describe the joy and excitement in my heart after my revelation.  When you can’t start task-managing fast enough after standing still for so long, you know it’s a God Assignment.  I paid for my domain name, created a Facebook page, scheduled a photo shoot and started hounding my Social Media friend, Liz Jostes from Eli Rose Social Media non-stop.  I’m ready and re-focused.  I have no idea what to expect but I’m not going to quit.  I’m going to finish.

If you are looking for a great, easy yet scripturally focused study, check out 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit by Nicki Koziarz.  What is it that you need to finish?

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Promises Promises

I am so happy that you have decided to join me on this journey of writing and community building.  While I’m chasing a dream of writing, I’m simultaneously chasing a dream of ministry.  I have no ultimate vision of what that ministry will look like but I’m taking steps and doing my best to listen for God’s direction at each turn.

For now, I’m trying to build a community.  Partly for my personal need for connection with the body of believers.  Partly because I feel a need for a true, honest, spirit seeking place for believers.  Not all of us have access to that kind of community and some of us do not know how to build those kinds of relationships.  So let’s start here, together.

I want to start on the right foot and tell you what this group will not be.  Please hold me accountable to these at any time.

What This Community Will Not Be.

A sounding board.  It is not my goal or intention to use this platform to complain.

A place of comparison.  If ever it sounds like I’m bragging, I’m not.  Attribute any prideful language to poor writing.  My effort will always be to intentionally point to God’s goodness.

A place of competition.  My life has seasons where it is really hard.  My life also has seasons that are really beautiful.  Your life is the same but with a different narrative.  I will never compete to prove to you how bad or good my life is.

A place where I always think I’m right.  Most of the time, I’m just doing my best.  I’ve lived long enough to remember some of the biggest revelations I’ve had have come from people brave enough to boldly state opinions that differ from mine.  It’s essentially why I watch The View.  You are always welcome to share your thoughts with me – please do!

What This Community Will Be.

A place of encouragement.  While I would love to encourage each of you individually, and I pray that some of my writing might do just that, my greatest hope is that this place will be a place of encouragement for you to seek the Lord with everything you’ve got.  In every season.  In every pain and praise.  In every hurt and hardship.  If this group can encourage you to do one thing, I pray that it’s to seek Him in all things.

A place of silliness.  Comedy is one of my favorite things.  I believe that some of the best fellowship comes from people laughing together.  When you laugh together you’ve found common ground, the roots of relationship.

A place of challenges.  I want to live my life to a place of exhaustion, serving and loving other people as we are called to do.  Let’s get out and beyond the walls of our local church and into our communities.

Are you ready for this?