Tag: jesus

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Just Thankful.

I’m not sure what’s been happening to me lately.  I can’t seem to go to a bible study, worship service or Wal-Mart without being overcome by the greatness of God. The reason I say I’m not sure what’s happening is because there is really nothing spectacular about this season of life.  Most of us probably recall on one or two hands the number of seasons in our lives where we have felt with no uncertainty God’s good great presence at work in our lives.  Often those seasons exist within times of grief, loss, fear, answered prayer, unexplained miracles or times of great joy – the times we are actively looking for Him; the times we need to give thanks or to cry out.

However, when life is feeling “normal”, we are likely to begin slipping into the habit of taking Him for granted.  The times when your family has enough money, everyone is healthy, relationships are good, you know, the “normal” times. Those are the seasons we begin to assume God’s existence rather than acknowledge it, much less actively search for it.

That’s why I’m surprised and really quite thankful that in this quiet and maybe mundane season of my life, I’ve never been more aware of His goodness. This just might be the best time in life to feel that. I have nothing to point towards other than Him. I’m not thanking Him for a cleared test result, praising him for a healthy baby or crying out to Him at the loss of someone dear. I’m just thanking.

Some might say, Lauren, it’s Christmas – everyone is close to Jesus this time of year. I call bull on that because last year, I was in basically the same place of progress in my life and guess what? I gave two rips about the fact that it was Christmas. I was utterly disinterested in the Christmas to-do list and overall would have stated that I was unmoved by the season. This year, nothing has drastically changed, no traumatic or life-altering events have taken place and yet, I’m simply overcome.

I have sat in church the last few weekends on the verge of tears just because of where I was. Not because of the sermon, the worship or even the time of month. Just thankful. I’m here and so is He and it’s so so good.

Dear God, please let me stay in this place forever. Please God may I keep my eyes on You and You keep your grip on me. Lord, I feel better than I ever have in my whole life. Let me please somehow pass this on to everyone around me. I pray God you could use me. Don’t ever let go God. I love You so much. In Your name, Amen.

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Fat Arms and Other Afflictions

I have fat arms.  I do.  I JUST DO.  Nothing will ever change that.  And I’m fully prepared that in no more than 10 years I will need to warn those around me to duck as I prepare to wave.

I have cellulite.  Sometimes I’m positive I can see cellulite ON MY ARMS!!!  My BIG. FAT. ARMS.

I also have a love for fitness and healthy eating.  You would NEVER KNOW THAT.  And for years it bothered me.  For YEARS I told my husband that what bothers me most about my fatness is that all these skinny people are looking at me thinking I’m fat for a reason.  Well folks, I want to publicly let you all know that I’m FAT because that’s how God wants me right now.  In college I had a pretty bad eating disorder.  I spent 2 hours on the treadmill every day (EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.) and ate less than 1,000 calories each day for over 2 years.  Get this: I never reached an unhealthy weight.  If you factor in math and science: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

My point is, if you think I’m fat because I eat too much that’s fine.  BUT what I’M uncovering is that this fatness is intentional.  I think that God has found an area of me that I need to surrender.  Not because surrender is a magic pill but because I need to learn to live the way in which He created me.  The way He created me was in His image.  Righteous.  Worthy.  GOOD.

Lots-O-Days, I don’t really like this fat girl.  But He does and He wants me to learn to like her too.  From a place of surrender.  Face down.  Maybe until I do that, I’ll stay in this place.  Accepting myself just as I am might be the greatest stronghold I’ll ever have to knock down.

P.S. Please don’t’ tell me not to use the word fat.  It’s my word and you can’t take it from me.

P.S.S.  If you are skinny and mean, I just want to let you know that I’m hilarious, generous, smart, have an impeccable sense of style and just generally a person that people like to be around.  If you are skinny and nice, bless you.  Let’s be friends!

P.S.S.S Dang it.  If I was really on the right track to liking myself, I would not have felt the need to tell skinny people how awesome I am (see P.S.S.).

P.S.S.S.S. Oh, I get it.  If I was on the right track I wouldn’t have written this post at all.

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Far From Beautiful

I’m not going to tell the story.  It’s not beautiful.

It’s actually been ugly.  Ugly pieces of my heart that I hadn’t even known existed have surfaced since becoming a parent.  And so, it’s hard for me to respond to people’s questions about “our story”.  I guess that’s mostly because I know what they are expecting to hear.  They are expecting for me to tell them a beautiful story. A story that shines a light on the good in the world that so often seems hidden.  A story that reminds them there’s hope and beauty and redemption.  A story that points to all the ways God has rained down glory on our family and the enormous ways we’ve seen God move.  But I don’t have that story.

In fact, when people ask us about our journey, my mind spins into chaotic memories of yelling, crying and anger.  The long season of feeling alone and angry and privately regretting the choice I had made.  The ugly feelings that I tried to reason with as I desperately tried to remember the feelings of certainty I had when God spoke adoption into our lives.  I questioned if I had got the calling wrong.  The experience was traumatic and I am a changed person because of it.  Those memories hurt.  They feel ugly.

The story is far from beautiful.  But it also isn’t over.

I’ve been hearing God whisper to me since the dust has settled; reminding me that my work is important. That although I’ve failed in moments, I haven’t failed in life.  I haven’t sacrificed as gracefully as I had hoped but my sacrifice is still valid.  My favorite theme of the bible isn’t grace alone but the progress grace allows. His grace is sufficient, but for what? Sufficient grace so we can stand still or sufficient grace so we can progress? If God’s blessing to my family came immediately after the adoption papers were signed, what story would we have to tell?  That God is simple?  That we systematically receive when we give? There are no stories like that in the bible. Why did I think my story would be the first?

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She Follows Through

I started my spiritual-awakening while completing Nicki Koziarz bible study on 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit.  It takes you through the incredible non-stop obedience of Ruth.   One of the discussion questions towards the end of the study was to use 3 words to describe your journey through the study.  After some thought I decided my 3 words were Reluctance, Revelation and Re-focused.

Reluctance

I really thought this study sounded stupid.  Also, once I saw a play on the story of Ruth and Naomi and wanted to stab my eyes out.  Or rip my ears off?  Maybe both.  My point is, that play left the wrong impression on me as to what exactly Ruth had to offer me personally.

Revelation

“She follows through despite how she feels.”  The second habit. 

I wanted to step into my calling but, Dear Lord, I’m so tired.

I wanted to write but I felt like people would think I was an egomaniac for feeling that I had anything of value to say.

I felt like God was calling me to something but I wasn’t sure what it was or where to start.

“She stays open to the movement of God.”  The Third Habit.

Discerning the voice of God has at times been very easy for me to do.  However, I sensed this movement for 9 months, with no clear indication of what I was supposed to do.  I am a very mission-minded individual so it is hard for me to start task managing when I can’t see the big picture.  So instead of moving, I stood still, waiting for God.  One of my favorite preachers once said:  While you are waiting for God to come down, He is waiting for you to get up!  I needed to get up.  I got up – like an 80 year old woman would get up off the floor but let’s not talk details.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin.” Zechariah 4:10 [NLT]

Re-Focused

I cannot describe the joy and excitement in my heart after my revelation.  When you can’t start task-managing fast enough after standing still for so long, you know it’s a God Assignment.  I paid for my domain name, created a Facebook page, scheduled a photo shoot and started hounding my Social Media friend, Liz Jostes from Eli Rose Social Media non-stop.  I’m ready and re-focused.  I have no idea what to expect but I’m not going to quit.  I’m going to finish.

If you are looking for a great, easy yet scripturally focused study, check out 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit by Nicki Koziarz.  What is it that you need to finish?

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Promises Promises

I am so happy that you have decided to join me on this journey of writing and community building.  While I’m chasing a dream of writing, I’m simultaneously chasing a dream of ministry.  I have no ultimate vision of what that ministry will look like but I’m taking steps and doing my best to listen for God’s direction at each turn.

For now, I’m trying to build a community.  Partly for my personal need for connection with the body of believers.  Partly because I feel a need for a true, honest, spirit seeking place for believers.  Not all of us have access to that kind of community and some of us do not know how to build those kinds of relationships.  So let’s start here, together.

I want to start on the right foot and tell you what this group will not be.  Please hold me accountable to these at any time.

What This Community Will Not Be.

A sounding board.  It is not my goal or intention to use this platform to complain.

A place of comparison.  If ever it sounds like I’m bragging, I’m not.  Attribute any prideful language to poor writing.  My effort will always be to intentionally point to God’s goodness.

A place of competition.  My life has seasons where it is really hard.  My life also has seasons that are really beautiful.  Your life is the same but with a different narrative.  I will never compete to prove to you how bad or good my life is.

A place where I always think I’m right.  Most of the time, I’m just doing my best.  I’ve lived long enough to remember some of the biggest revelations I’ve had have come from people brave enough to boldly state opinions that differ from mine.  It’s essentially why I watch The View.  You are always welcome to share your thoughts with me – please do!

What This Community Will Be.

A place of encouragement.  While I would love to encourage each of you individually, and I pray that some of my writing might do just that, my greatest hope is that this place will be a place of encouragement for you to seek the Lord with everything you’ve got.  In every season.  In every pain and praise.  In every hurt and hardship.  If this group can encourage you to do one thing, I pray that it’s to seek Him in all things.

A place of silliness.  Comedy is one of my favorite things.  I believe that some of the best fellowship comes from people laughing together.  When you laugh together you’ve found common ground, the roots of relationship.

A place of challenges.  I want to live my life to a place of exhaustion, serving and loving other people as we are called to do.  Let’s get out and beyond the walls of our local church and into our communities.

Are you ready for this?