Tag: self esteem

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Finding Joy

It’s been a week since I started this challenge of vulnerability.  My therapist says that I have vulnerability issues.  I laughed when she said that.  I laughed because it was one of those moments when your life is completely shaken by one simple observation.  One simple observation that explains a thousand moments of stress and regret.  I have a hard time being vulnerable.  But then again, who doesn’t?

We are living in front of screens and not people.  We are texting and not talking.  We are listening to podcasts and not to people.  And everything we consume appears perfect.  Perfectly dressed, perfectly posed, perfectly lit, perfectly photo-shopped and perfectly captioned with the perfect #Hashtag.   And I’m guilty.  I’ve tried so hard to keep up.  To fit in online.  To get more likes or comments.

The night my therapist told me I have vulnerability issues I went on a walk.  I decided to listen to a podcast during my walk and absolutely by chance clicked on a podcast conversation between Oprah and Brene Brown.  Just so happens Brene Brown was talking to Oprah about vulnerability.  It was a God moment for me.  How could the conversation with my therapist and my random choice of podcast be a coincidence?  I had something to learn and I could have walked for hours listening to the knowledge of this woman who also struggles with vulnerability.  And here’s what I learned.  Without vulnerability we have no authenticity, no creativity and make it explicitly difficult to ever really truly feel joy.

What does vulnerability have to do with joy you ask?  Well, if I build-up my walls to avoid feeling bad feelings (shame, guilt, fear, disappointment, regret etc.) how do good feelings make it through the walls?  It makes fundamental sense that you can’t isolate out the bad and only feel the good.  If I’m not willing to lean-in to the bad, I can’t lean-in to the good.  And I can admit that I don’t often feel joy.  Because I’m not sure how to lean-in to those moments.

Long-story short it came down practicing creativity creates comfort-ability with vulnerability, which in turn will lead to a more authentic state of self.  That’s where I’m headed.  So I’m writing, using my creativity and putting it out there.  Opening myself up and being vulnerable in the search for true, genuine and pro-longed moments of joy.

 

 

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Fat Arms and Other Afflictions

I have fat arms.  I do.  I JUST DO.  Nothing will ever change that.  And I’m fully prepared that in no more than 10 years I will need to warn those around me to duck as I prepare to wave.

I have cellulite.  Sometimes I’m positive I can see cellulite ON MY ARMS!!!  My BIG. FAT. ARMS.

I also have a love for fitness and healthy eating.  You would NEVER KNOW THAT.  And for years it bothered me.  For YEARS I told my husband that what bothers me most about my fatness is that all these skinny people are looking at me thinking I’m fat for a reason.  Well folks, I want to publicly let you all know that I’m FAT because that’s how God wants me right now.  In college I had a pretty bad eating disorder.  I spent 2 hours on the treadmill every day (EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.) and ate less than 1,000 calories each day for over 2 years.  Get this: I never reached an unhealthy weight.  If you factor in math and science: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

My point is, if you think I’m fat because I eat too much that’s fine.  BUT what I’M uncovering is that this fatness is intentional.  I think that God has found an area of me that I need to surrender.  Not because surrender is a magic pill but because I need to learn to live the way in which He created me.  The way He created me was in His image.  Righteous.  Worthy.  GOOD.

Lots-O-Days, I don’t really like this fat girl.  But He does and He wants me to learn to like her too.  From a place of surrender.  Face down.  Maybe until I do that, I’ll stay in this place.  Accepting myself just as I am might be the greatest stronghold I’ll ever have to knock down.

P.S. Please don’t’ tell me not to use the word fat.  It’s my word and you can’t take it from me.

P.S.S.  If you are skinny and mean, I just want to let you know that I’m hilarious, generous, smart, have an impeccable sense of style and just generally a person that people like to be around.  If you are skinny and nice, bless you.  Let’s be friends!

P.S.S.S Dang it.  If I was really on the right track to liking myself, I would not have felt the need to tell skinny people how awesome I am (see P.S.S.).

P.S.S.S.S. Oh, I get it.  If I was on the right track I wouldn’t have written this post at all.